Being Open to Experience
"That some good can be
derived from every event is a better proposition than that everything
happens for the best, which it assuredly does not. "
James K. Feibleman
As the credit
card ad used to say, “Life comes at you fast.” We don’t get to pick all of our
experiences. Life will give us some that are nice, and some that are
not so nice, some that are easy and some that are hard. The difference
is partly in the nature of the events and partly in how we respond to
them. We naturally want to avoid accidents, natural disasters, illness,
and death, but the way we handle them when they occur makes all the
difference. It is possible to spoil every experience, good or bad, by
taking a victim perspective. It is possible to transform every painful
experience through acceptance and equanimity.
Every unfortunate event
carries with it an opportunity. It may be the opportunity to learn
better coping skills, or it may be the opportunity to test our patience
and courage. Perhaps it is the opportunity to refocus our attention on
what matters or to draw closer to the people that matter most to us.
We can easily miss those
opportunities by dwelling on our special misery. When we make it all
about ourselves, when ego takes center stage, when we focus on the
question “Why me?” and the on the unfairness of it all, we only deepen
our suffering. Some questions are unanswerable, and some of them are
not useful. When catastrophe happens, it is natural to ask, “Why did
this happen to me?” Sometimes the answer is apparent: “I smoked for 30
years.” “I rode my bike without a helmet.” “I treated people like
dirt.” “I was in a hurry packing my chute.” In other circumstances, the
cause of the disaster is not apparent. It seems random, unfair and
inexplicable. In such a case the better question is, “Given that this
has happened, how shall I proceed?”
When faced with the “Why
me?” question. The answer may be “Why not me?” Am I so special that I
don’t have to face the problems other people have also? Whatever we are
experiencing, it is highly probable that someone else has had worse.
People with fewer resources than we have have likely faced equal or
greater difficulty. We are each one among billions of humans faced with
the dilemma of suffering. The more useful questions may be:
How can I face
this challenge with equanimity and grace?
How can I access my
courage—not lack of fear, but accepting and transcending fear?
How can I be more focused
on gratitude?
What is still good
despite the bad?
What supports me in this
hardship?
What remains beautiful
amidst this ugliness?
What is to be learned by
this? How can I use that?
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©
2006 Tom
Barrett